Awhile ago, I wrote a limp-dicked, piece of shit article about dating Taiwanese hoe’s that may as well have come straight from your mothers book of advice on dating. I did some soul-searching, consulted my nuts, and realized that I’m doing you readers wrong if I don’t tell you the truth about plowing sluts on my little island. Y’all close that Pornhub window, zip your peckers back up, and pay attention, because I’m about to tell you how to get some pink stink in the ROC.

First of all: don’t learn any Chinese. Seriously. Don’t do it. You’ll just sound like a fag, and nobody will understand your bleating. Besides, if you’re gona fly halfway across the fucking globe, then the least these birds can do, if they thirst for some foreign cock, is learn a little English. If she doesn’t speak any English, but you’re still inclined to let her get your D wet, then take her by the hand, lead her to your apartment, and whip it out. She will understand that it’s time to get sucking or get out.

How do you know if she is into you? You can tell because she is Taiwanese and has a pulse. Do you catch her looking at you? She is imagining what your half-white, blue-eyed babies will look like. Is she talking to you? She wouldn’t go through the effort if she didn’t want to fuck. Is she ignoring you? Shyness. If you’re foreign, she wants your man juice, bro. Don’t be stingy with you seed.

Where should I meet these girl, you ask? My man, where SHOULDN’T you meet girls in this country? Hell, I got my Taiwanese flag from the immigration officer processing my entry! If she is a “healthy female of breeding age” then it is your duty as a (foreign) man to help her fulfill her biological imperative (and yours).

Now, you may find yourself in a situation where there are OTHER foreign men trying to invade upon your turf. Perhaps you’re at a bar and there are more white dudes than there are “xi can mei” to go around. Ain’t nobody got time for that! You need Rocky’s secret move. When I find myself in these situations, I roll up to the center of the dance floor if there is one, or just stand on a table if there isn’t, and whip out my huge, American poon destroyer. It is not uncommon to leave with the two hottest girls in the bar after smacking them upside the head with Old Glory.

That is all you need to know, my brothers. No game required and no bullshit necessary. Just white skin and the capability to achieve a full erection. Show up, whip out ya’ cock and help Taiwan with their low birth rate problem. You’re welcome.