I’ve recently been having problems getting the soil at the Secret Mountain Garden to cooperate. Up in the clearing where im growing bananas, tarro and ginger, little else will germinate much less grow.  Since I will definitly need those bananas and tarro to carb up during the zombie appocolypse, I realized that I’m either going to have to figure out where to get a soil test done. I brought this question to the nearest nursery and received some good news: they offer one for free!

I dropped off a sample and two days later, I pulled up, giddy with excitement, to get the results of the test. The results were:


“fertilizer level”: 35/1000

What in the exhaulted name of Chuck Norris is a “fertilizer level”? Being white, obviously mentally deficient and ignorant, I have no clue but they assured me that 35/1000 means that I have a “fertilizer deficiency”.

Q: Which nutrient?

A: All of them!

Q: Am I missing any in particular?

A: You are missing all the ones that are contained in this bag of fertilizer I’m trying to sell you (in approximately the same proportion).

Q: But am I missing nitrogen? Phosphorus? Potassium? Perhaps a micro nutrient? Do I need some 10-10-10 or some Azomite?

A: What you need is this expensive bag of “organic fertilizer”, my man.

Q: Can’t I just fertilize with urine?

A: You could… (you could also french kiss a jaguar), but this is better.

Q: How so?

A: Look at the back. Its got N,P and K!

I would later learn, after talking in circles for awhile, that I can have a more complete test done at a government laboratory, “but it will cost money!!!” (it wont). I have a soil test on the way there right now and expect I’ll have to figure out which amendments i’ll need in what proportion all by my lonesome. Guess i’m in for a chemistry adventure in the near future!